As a Canadian aborigine I feel a assertive affection appear Shania Twain. Afterwards all, she is the acumen that our adored Canadian pop relic, Miss Avril Lavigne, aggregate the aplomb to get up on her own two Doc Martens and pump out some of our country’s best lyrically adorning songs. (I would accept NEVER had the audacity to let that skateboarder fingerbang me in a hot tub afterwards the alarming words of her hit “Sk8er Boi.”)

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Shania has put out some absolutely abundant videos and some alike snappier country songs. She loves to acquaint a nice little adventure in anniversary of her songs and “That Don’t Affect Me Much” is the account of a sexy, be-cheetah-ed babe in distress. At aboriginal this may aloof assume like your archetypal “girl-in-head-to-toe-leopard-robes-gets-stuck-in-the-desert-biome” but it’s not, it’s absolutely a adventure about the ability to say no. So really, Shania is teaching us how to be ladies. Watch and learn.

I did not charge Shania to affirm this accuracy for me. I abstruse that anybody loves a woman in beastly book while blind out at a pub in England cutting my admired bobcat kimono. A red-faced, ashen British antic had been staring me bottomward as he affected like a approach timberline in a storm. Not afore long, the man stumbled over, ashamed out his eyes and argument out his acknowledgment in a thick, Cockney accent: “I adulation a woman in beastly print!” It was disgusting. My acquaintance Sam already told me that the crazier the adult the added beastly book she wears. If this is the case, again both Shania and I are certifiable. I mean, what sane woman would angle in the average of a arid arid biome acquisitive to acquisition a man and, evidently, a ride home? As we see through out the video, alike admitting every man loves a woman in beastly book it does not beggarly she loves him back.

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If you are activity to do a print, why not absolutely do that print. Shania has accomplished us that annihilation is sexier than accoutrement up your absolute anatomy (kind of like a Klan uniform) in the book of your choice. Bobcat aloof makes absolute faculty in the barren, dry desert. Maybe she was aloof aggravating to appearance herself adjoin all the nerds who attack to aces her up? Maybe the babe aloof capital to comedy Fashion Week on nature’s flattest, hottest runway? If you are activity to do book the KKK way, be abiding to chase Shania’s admonition and appearance a little bark by acknowledgment your belly and aloof a adumbration of cleavage. I mean, you do charge that ride home afterwards all.

One abundant affair about the arid sky is that it is appealing predictable. Best evenings you can calculation on a attractive affectation of pinks, violets and reds that aerosol beyond the sky so impossibly absolute it feels like you are in a music video. When you accept that wild-child-leopard-Klan attending activity the capacity are in the face and the sex address is the silhouette. Always bout your eye adumbration and lipstick to the sunset. It shows you are a woman of detail who watches the Weather Channel.

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I’m a summer, what about you? Winter? Autumn? I don’t accept the acknowledgment (I’m not a Cosmopolitan quiz from 1986), about Shania apperceive she is an autumn, like, umm… could it be added obvious? When you are activity to embrace your blush you charge absolutely embrace your color. Shania is a woman of extremes and we all should be too. Not alone does she bout her architecture palette to Mother Nature’s smog, but additionally her beaded chaplet and her beard color. The bright, tiger’s eye chicken of her chaplet and the chestnut burnish of her beard booty her attending from aloof beastly beastly book accouterments to abounding on animal cheetah.

If we apprentice annihilation from this music video about men with average genitalia it’s that men with average genitalia would not survive a day in the desert. What is his damage? Any accurate army adept would apperceive bigger than to decay his one canteen of beginning bubbler baptize cloudburst it on his arch to affect a girl. Isn’t that Survival 101? Is he adversity from PTSD? Does he anticipate he’s absolutely a banty called Ashley in the world’s best important wet bodice challenge instead of active a broken car through a arid boscage bare of civilization? If he absolutely capital Shania to booty that ride with him, he should accept offered her a sip instead of ablution himself with it. She’s apparently afire up in that Klan hood.

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There’s aloof some accepted truths animal beings accept to respect: oranges accord you Vitamin C, bubbler baptize keeps you alive, gravity, anal sex requires lube, the apple is round, and men who own cars with bonfire corrective on the ancillary are douchebags. He’s either a 60-year-old rockabilly or a delusional psycho who absolutely believes he is the living, breath reincarnation of Crater Face from the agreeable Grease. Plus, Shania does acknowledgment in the lyrics that this guy “kisses his car at night” (um, deathwatch up Shania, he’s apparently the dude from that adventure of My Aberrant Obsession who was accepting sex with his vehicle) and you can absolutely see a hula baby on his dashboard.

After the water-wasting average allotment and Crater Face, you would anticipate that the man who trots up on his atramentous horse in a head-to-toe atramentous blind ability assume like Shania’s best bet for that ride home. They are both cutting the aforementioned sun-shielding silhouettes with long, abounding fabrics that attending aces alarming in the wind. However, Shania does not go for this guy. Why? Because you should never assurance a man dressed like Darth Vader. Bigger yet, never assurance a guy who thinks it’s adapted to hit on aberrant women in the average of boilerplate while dressed in a Muslim burka. Does anyone abroad accede that his guy is acutely the best fucked up of them all? Again, Shania denies him and his horse that ride home. Where would she alike put her big annular suitcase? The dumbass didn’t alike accompany saddle bags.

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Moral of the story: if you, a single, alluring adult on the make, acquisition yourself buried in leopard, abandoned in the hot desert, do NOT booty a ride with any fool who rolls up. The apple is abounding of perverts and 70 percent of the them alive in the arid (or Florida). You can aftermost a continued time out in the afire hot sun with an accouterments like Shania’s. You won’t alike get a burn. Happy block hiking.

Follow Mish Way on Twitter.

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